Letter from the sea

You have been gone for so long,
I waited for you on cold nights,
hankering to look into your eyes,
Like sparkling emeralds set into stars,
and with a lighting flame in my heart.

Years Passed by as I watched the breeze,
My heart was in entropy and I couldn't feel the ease,
Neither could I convey the emptiness inside.
Felt like a wound which wouldn't stop bleeding,
And lost all the hopes of you getting back.

There came a day which bought a smile on my lips,
By a letter which raised from the sea,
An ink stained paper with your words lost in time,
Saying I missed you and your love which has no words to explain,
Here I stand baffled now, "have I got back light in my darkened world".

Written for :

 Thursday Poets’ Rally Week 71 

Angel of smile

A beautiful smile on her lovely lips melted away all the pain. She was loved by everyone for her appealing smile, which they said was therapeutic.People savored her presence, said talking to her taught them a lot, helped them cherish every single moment in their life, changed their life drastically. They said they could never find someone like her and no one could ever take her place. They said she cared so much that she forgot to keep a little for herself. Everyone wished to have her in their lives so that their life became meaningful and soulful. She was admired for everything she was. She was said that she awakened their souls and made them reach for more , she planted a fire in their hearts and brought peace to their minds.

But they failed to realize that her smile was a wall which blocked out everyone to see the real her. She seemed so strong but daily continued to break, she seemed she was always there and had no problems of her own, she always held back tears until she was off the phone. She was a hollow shell filled with emptiness. She longed to feel the calmness. She was not heard behind her smile. She was in darkness like there's no escape. Feelings so heartless, things were just never the same. She always muttered,

Behind my smile is a hurting heart
behind my laugh I’m falling apart
look closely at me & you will see
the girl I am - isn’t really me

Her heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow. What it meant to lose , no one will ever know.

Why does god burden me with so much strife??

This has been tormenting me since a long time. Hence I stared looking for answers every where. I found a very captivating story from one of the books  I was reading. It related a brief tale narrated by the Buddhists. Not only me many out there have the same question in their minds still probing for an answer. Isn't?? Hence taught it was worth sharing this story. Well the tale goes this way:

There was a small village. A young boy went to a nearby river to play at the edge of the water. As he was playing, he heard a cry for help….’Oh, please save me, please save me!’

Looking around, he found a crocodile caught in a net; unable to escape, the crocodile cried out pitifully to the boy. The boy, however, was reluctant to save the crocodile, feeling that if he saved it, the crocodile was sure to eat him up. But the crocodile pleaded with him, tears streaming down its face, and said,’ Honestly, I promise u that I won’t devour you. Please save me!’

The boy, convinced of its sincerity, began to cut the net that imprisoned the crocodile. No soon was its head free from the net than the crocodile grabbed the boy’s leg in its jaw.

Now it was the boy’s turn to cry out in tears, ‘Hey, you dirty croc! Is this fair?’ The crocodile responded philosophically, ‘What to do? Such is the way of the world! Such is life!’ and continued to devour the boy.

The boy was not worried about dying. What he could not accept was the total ingratitude of the crocodile and its philosophy.

While his leg was slowly sliding into the jaws of the crocodile, the boy looked at the birds on a nearby tree and asked:

‘Is the crocodile uttering the truth? Is this the way of the world-full of injustice? IS this how life goes where words are not honored?

And the birds replied, ‘We take such care to build safe nests on the top of the trees for protecting our eggs. Yet, snakes come and swallow them. We concur with the crocodile that what it is saying is totally true. There is injustice in the world.’

Then the boy saw a donkey that was grazing on the banks of the lake and repeated his question.

‘While I was young, my master loaded soiled linen on my back and extracted maximum amount of work from me. Now that I am old and feeble, he has abandoned me saying that he cannot feed me. So there is nothing wrong in what the crocodile is saying. Such is the way of the world. There is injustice and unfairness in the world and such is life!’ said the donkey.

The boy, still unable to accept the explanations finally noticed a rabbit and repeated his question. The rabbit said ‘No, no! I cannot accept what the crocodile is saying. It is utter nonsense!’

Hearing this, the crocodile became angry and wanted to argue with the rabbit, even while holding the boy’s leg in its strong jaws. The rabbit protested, saying that as the crocodile’s mouth was choked with the boy’s leg, it was not able to decipher what the crocodile was trying to say. The crocodile laughed heartily at this and said, ‘I am not a fool! IF I let go, the boy would run away!’

‘Now you are really stupid! said the rabbit.’ Have you forgotten how strong your tail is? Even if he runs, you can smash him with just one mighty lash of your tail!’

The crocodile fell for this and releasing the boy, continued its argument. The rabbit screamed to the boy, ‘RUN! RUN! Don’t just stand there!’ and the boy took his heels.

Only when it tried to raise its tail, did the crocodile realize that it was still entangled in the net. As the boy ran away, it glared at the rabbit in a terrible rage.

The rabbit smiled sweetly and quipped, ‘Now do you understand? Such is the way of the world! Such is life!’

In short while, the young boy returned with the villagers and they killed the crocodile. A dog returned with the villagers and they killed the crocodile. A dog that came along spotted the rabbit and started chasing it. They boy screamed at the dog ‘Hey listen! This rabbit saved my life. Do not attack him.’ But alas, before the boy could intervene, the dog had chased and killed the rabbit in a jiffy!

The young boy unable to bear the tragedy cried and said to himself, ‘What the crocodile said was true. Such is the way of the world. Such is life!’

I guess we cannot fully understand many aspects that cover our lives. Unfairness is a part and parcel of life. Such is the way of life. Can we teach ourselves not to be victims of unfairness and confront it with the understanding that the mysteries of life cannot be fully understood?

Such acceptance of unfairness would give us the maturity to live life wisely. Don't you think so??

A Journey through 2009

Despite all rough times, a smashing new year is drawing near. Everyone is gung ho and have their heart set on something or the other. Ever vicinity is in the mood of either tacking together or involving themselves in a New Year bash. They look for lot of panache and elegance in the parties. People want the parties to have a right blend of creativity, hospitality and fun. The ambience all over would be full of beans. This and a lot more is New Year which everybody awaits, each year except me.

Come on, accept it..... New Year is around the corner, this is what I tell myself as another year is slipping by. As and when I think about the New Year, my first reaction is a sense of panic at how fast time flies. The next, a quick calculation of what I managed to achieve in these 365 days - the ups and downs, the euphoria and setbacks. At this juncture, I would like to just travel back to 2009 and recall - the good, the bad and the worst the year got me.

I can call the year 2009 as "God of awful". The year itself started with lot of disputation. But, somewhere I felt I deserve more than that is on my plate and a larger chunk of that pie called life. So I taught to keep my chin up and continue to battle until I can reach at least a piece of my destination. As I started living through this battling life my mind got restless and was in a state of chaos. At a point I felt I may have to get into a lunatic asylum. My mind started disliking and killing every person who tried to show concern towards me, which dismayed me. My uncanny dreams seemed out of this world.


Nightmares.
Terror.
Then sudden bliss.
Strange voices, Strange thoughts, Strange presences.
Who are they? What are they? Whose are they?
It's my mind.
But not my thoughts.
But do I think like this? Are these my thoughts?
Am I this bitter?
This suspicious? This jealous? This discontent?
I taught I loved you like my own.
Then how am I jealous of you?
I taught I loved you more than my life.
Why don't I trust you anymore?
It's not my mind. Not my thoughts.
It's an alien presence invading my mind.
Evil.
Remove it someone please.

That’s how I felt every time I was in a trauma. This is what I have achieved through out 2009 - unexplained dreams (may be I can write a book on it), lost loved ones, lost career, lost trust on others etc.... Rite now feels "I am a coward who hides my real self”. As someone said I am not afraid of dying, but of an unlived life. So the arrival of 2010 is not making me so happy, it just makes me more horror-struck. Anyways, hope at least it's gonna bring happiness and peace to others and this world. A very happy and prosperous new year. ^_^

It's all for the best.. yes or no??

Most of my conversations are thus….

“So, let me put it like this: I said I wanna work outside so that I could become independent and learn a lot more… But, I got an answer that “Isn't it great that you can stay with your parents and you don't have to work and I shall get you whatever you desire. I shall choose a great guy who would take care of you the same way I do. ” Now, that's really very sweet of you and thanks for caring so much for me. But the point is… I really wanna be independent. Is that too much to ask for??

Needless to say, it isn't too much to ask for. But I am more experienced and I'm giving you a better life than what you desire. You don't have to contend and get bawled out by others if things go haywire. When will you get independent?? When pigs fly!! But they reckoned wrong. Didn't they?? I just wanted to be a sovereign and know what this world is and find out answers for many questions which I have by myself, and all the big ones in the world cannot make up for the fact that I didn't get the one I really wanted.

Thing's always don't work out exactly as I want them to. And if the intensity of the desire was strong, then even though I may have got much more than I wanted, the craving for that one thing will never really go away. The above was just one example which I quoted but most of the things turn out to be that way. It's not only with me. It happens with most of them, isn't it??

Sometimes it gives me the creeps thinking about what they said may be right coz I am bloody scared of things. So I start feeling let me put up with them to save the day. Coz we have all grown up hearing the adage, jo hota hai achche ke liye hota hai-whatever happens itz for the best. Sometimes I do feel unless I give it a shot I cannot come to ratiocination. Coz I don't want my life to carry on …a series of regrets and what ifs…I also feel why don't I keep my chin up, and I'm sure I will find my way out. Coz I entrust,

To get profit without risk,

Experience without danger,

And reward without hardwork,

Is as impossible as it is to live without being born.

-swami vivekanand

Life is all about how you make it not what others make it for you. I believe there are only two modes to live. Either live for yourself or live for others coz you can't put your leg in both the shoes. If you make yourself happy then I guess you always stand a chance to make others also felicitous. Else you always have to be down in the dumps.

Life has a strange way of falling into a pattern as we move on, creating an interesting mosaic, which though unfathomable from near, assumes greater meaning as we move further away from it. There seems suddenly to have been a reason for whatever happened. Well, the reason was always there, I guess. Suddenly it seems comprehensible to us. So guys whatsoever you adjudicate to do, give your best and don't ever back up, coz no matter which path you choose you cannot reach the destination without any hurdles in your path. I guess these hurdles are also very important coz it makes you a stronger person and ramps up your self-confidence.