Long Longing!! (Part- 1)

So someone's love has gone off on a long and dangerous journey: to sea, to war, to find their meaning, something along those lines. She promises to wait for him, right where she is, until he returns. How long could it be? she has no idea.

The day for her awaiting had arrived.  He was returning after two long years. She was frightened by the long. long nights. Prayed to the distant stars for his safe return. She was not full of hopes, as she taught its too long for anticipating him to still be the same. But still she was very emotional and felicitous about meeting her love of life. Eventually the day arrived and they planned to meet up at dusk after her work.

It was a pleasant Wednesday. She looked into the mirror for the final time and admired herself before leaving.
"Hey I look cool and elegant, guess can make a move now".

"Bye mom, I am off for the day".

She could sense the happiness in her inner soul and felt glad. She could feel violins playing around her all day. Every sec she felt like dancing with delight. The whole world around her had switched.

As she made her way along the road the cool winds which blew over her skin put a chill in her body . The scent of love was filled in the air. The warm atmosphere of the town, bathed in golden sunlight made the day. She could hear all the trees greeting her and dancing for the tunes of her heart, all the birds tweed-ling and every other person smiling at her. Of a sudden the world had become zingy. She palpated a charm in her face which was not witnesses earlier. She needed his love as the night needed morning.

But still somewhere at the pit of her stomach she was still a bit baffled. The whole day at work, she was full of beans and tried to complete her work ASAP as her thoughts were invaded by him. It was now time for her to kick off to meet him.

"Hi Akash, could I leave a bit early today", she called for.

Akash mumbled,  "Why?"

"I have an important appointment with the doc",she lied

"Oh is it, fine then you can carry on and take care.", answered akash.

Soon then she stepped out and got into the cab and started off from office. The weather seemed so enjoyable. On the spur of the moment her mind switched to the days they spent together. They were so wonderful. Its kinda funny, How life can change. Can flip 180 in a matta of days.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes…just be an illusion. , She sighs.

What a Night !!!!

Hey my love. This one is for you, just for you.

What a night it would be!!
With all the candles and flowers around the table,
Just you and me between the deep blue sky and the green land,
the luminous moon watching us up from the beautiful sky,
the crashing waves beating against the rocky shore.

Close your ears to the sound of my voice,
and through the thunder of a thousand cannons,
you will hear it calling your name.

I will be awaiting for the sound of your breath on my neck,
The warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine...

Oh my love!! This day is gonna add more meaning to my lonely life...

Love is a stranger

You came as a wishful dreams Or were they nightmares, now I wonder?

They were lovely while they lasted,

The embrace, the caress, the affection, the love,

So innocent, so pure, so divine,

You were a sweetheart,

You had such a magical aura, a spark which made me wallow in your love for a moment,

Hope it lasted forever,

you were here to pacify all my pain,

But it is was over now, all that is left is intense longing,

A sense of loss,

Something so close to the heart is gone,

In the drain of pain, If I ever find rain, for you are long gone,

Away for a long time, from my memories, from my embraces, from my heart, from my eyes,

But It is not gone,

It was never there to be gone,

It never existed,

Except in the dream,

you are a stranger,

your love was a stranger,

you invaded my dreams with all the pure love you had to give,

I now sit longing for you,

For you brings solace, the heart's embrace’ comfort,

For you bring the rains, to wash away the stains of the previous you for a new me,

Oh dream oh dream, rain on me, again

The wait for the next dream for You to appear will be long and it pains.

Hope has left

And one day I lost something that had kept me alive all this while.
Through troubled times, broken relationships, torn families, grief, losses, despair.
Something that burns within and kept me going. Plodding, wearily, tired, yet never giving up.
Life may come back. Prayers may be answered. Dreams fulfilled.
But today it’s all over.
I am alive.
But, only on the outside.
For hope has left.

A Journey through 2009

Despite all rough times, a smashing new year is drawing near. Everyone is gung ho and have their heart set on something or the other. Ever vicinity is in the mood of either tacking together or involving themselves in a New Year bash. They look for lot of panache and elegance in the parties. People want the parties to have a right blend of creativity, hospitality and fun. The ambience all over would be full of beans. This and a lot more is New Year which everybody awaits, each year except me.

Come on, accept it..... New Year is around the corner, this is what I tell myself as another year is slipping by. As and when I think about the New Year, my first reaction is a sense of panic at how fast time flies. The next, a quick calculation of what I managed to achieve in these 365 days - the ups and downs, the euphoria and setbacks. At this juncture, I would like to just travel back to 2009 and recall - the good, the bad and the worst the year got me.

I can call the year 2009 as "God of awful". The year itself started with lot of disputation. But, somewhere I felt I deserve more than that is on my plate and a larger chunk of that pie called life. So I taught to keep my chin up and continue to battle until I can reach at least a piece of my destination. As I started living through this battling life my mind got restless and was in a state of chaos. At a point I felt I may have to get into a lunatic asylum. My mind started disliking and killing every person who tried to show concern towards me, which dismayed me. My uncanny dreams seemed out of this world.


Nightmares.
Terror.
Then sudden bliss.
Strange voices, Strange thoughts, Strange presences.
Who are they? What are they? Whose are they?
It's my mind.
But not my thoughts.
But do I think like this? Are these my thoughts?
Am I this bitter?
This suspicious? This jealous? This discontent?
I taught I loved you like my own.
Then how am I jealous of you?
I taught I loved you more than my life.
Why don't I trust you anymore?
It's not my mind. Not my thoughts.
It's an alien presence invading my mind.
Evil.
Remove it someone please.

That’s how I felt every time I was in a trauma. This is what I have achieved through out 2009 - unexplained dreams (may be I can write a book on it), lost loved ones, lost career, lost trust on others etc.... Rite now feels "I am a coward who hides my real self”. As someone said I am not afraid of dying, but of an unlived life. So the arrival of 2010 is not making me so happy, it just makes me more horror-struck. Anyways, hope at least it's gonna bring happiness and peace to others and this world. A very happy and prosperous new year. ^_^

Hallucination

The phone punctured my deep dreamless REM slumber at the crack of midnight. I flopped an arm out of the covers, groping for the instrument, 'Hello,’ I croaked.

'Hey dear what are you doing', a very cushy and exuberant vox came out of the instrument. It was one of my friends. I was agitated and said 'I'm making out over here, wanna join me'. He was like LOL and as he was verbalizing, on the spur of the moment, the ambience of my room turned deadening, spine-chilling and atrocious. My room has a huge window which will be shut most of the time. It is covered with beautiful drapes which flow down in a very elegant manner. The curtains started to flap and it was not a dime a dozen. I started to feel bizarre and my attention was hived off to the window. But couldn't incur anything fishy. Later on my heart started to throb. 'Hey dude shall babble stuff tomorrow', I said and hung up. Abruptly one little girl chuted into my room from the huge window, sat behind me and started scratching my neck. Somehow I could feel she was in deep anguish. But I didn't have the courage to swing around and gander at her as I was panic-stricken. But I managed to amass ample amount of courage and asked her, 'Who are you and why you are here?' Her sweet voice was debating with her vocal cord whether to come out or not. As she was stuttering, she said she wanted some help. I was more appalled and asked her to spill the beans.

'I am completely baffled. Donno what's happening with me and why things are happening this way. I feel like killing people whom I love the most. I feel I want more and more pain. For that I don't mind cutting myself and seeing my own blood. It’s better to hurt myself rather than hurting others', she said this and continued scratching my neck. But I felt terribly horrifying and didn't know what to do. I wanted to screech and fleer from there, but I felt crippled. Started to wonder “could I really lend a hand”. I didn't have the guts to ask her what help she wanted. So the whole night I just prayed and wanted to see the sun asap. From that day, I could sense her in my room every time I entered. After few days I agnized that the girl was my inner soul itself, no one else, which was hurt badly and couldn't convey things to anyone else. My room had become the only place where my soul could cry out loudly, laugh, play or do anything it desired. It always craved to be locked in my room and stay away from people. It wanted to be lonely always and loved being that way. I palpated that my inner soul has taken over me and I need to find a way out of it. But I am really still contending for control of myself. It gives me the creeps when I think about my soul being on edge and thinking in such a vicious fashion.

It's all for the best.. yes or no??

Most of my conversations are thus….

“So, let me put it like this: I said I wanna work outside so that I could become independent and learn a lot more… But, I got an answer that “Isn't it great that you can stay with your parents and you don't have to work and I shall get you whatever you desire. I shall choose a great guy who would take care of you the same way I do. ” Now, that's really very sweet of you and thanks for caring so much for me. But the point is… I really wanna be independent. Is that too much to ask for??

Needless to say, it isn't too much to ask for. But I am more experienced and I'm giving you a better life than what you desire. You don't have to contend and get bawled out by others if things go haywire. When will you get independent?? When pigs fly!! But they reckoned wrong. Didn't they?? I just wanted to be a sovereign and know what this world is and find out answers for many questions which I have by myself, and all the big ones in the world cannot make up for the fact that I didn't get the one I really wanted.

Thing's always don't work out exactly as I want them to. And if the intensity of the desire was strong, then even though I may have got much more than I wanted, the craving for that one thing will never really go away. The above was just one example which I quoted but most of the things turn out to be that way. It's not only with me. It happens with most of them, isn't it??

Sometimes it gives me the creeps thinking about what they said may be right coz I am bloody scared of things. So I start feeling let me put up with them to save the day. Coz we have all grown up hearing the adage, jo hota hai achche ke liye hota hai-whatever happens itz for the best. Sometimes I do feel unless I give it a shot I cannot come to ratiocination. Coz I don't want my life to carry on …a series of regrets and what ifs…I also feel why don't I keep my chin up, and I'm sure I will find my way out. Coz I entrust,

To get profit without risk,

Experience without danger,

And reward without hardwork,

Is as impossible as it is to live without being born.

-swami vivekanand

Life is all about how you make it not what others make it for you. I believe there are only two modes to live. Either live for yourself or live for others coz you can't put your leg in both the shoes. If you make yourself happy then I guess you always stand a chance to make others also felicitous. Else you always have to be down in the dumps.

Life has a strange way of falling into a pattern as we move on, creating an interesting mosaic, which though unfathomable from near, assumes greater meaning as we move further away from it. There seems suddenly to have been a reason for whatever happened. Well, the reason was always there, I guess. Suddenly it seems comprehensible to us. So guys whatsoever you adjudicate to do, give your best and don't ever back up, coz no matter which path you choose you cannot reach the destination without any hurdles in your path. I guess these hurdles are also very important coz it makes you a stronger person and ramps up your self-confidence.