Hope has left

And one day I lost something that had kept me alive all this while.
Through troubled times, broken relationships, torn families, grief, losses, despair.
Something that burns within and kept me going. Plodding, wearily, tired, yet never giving up.
Life may come back. Prayers may be answered. Dreams fulfilled.
But today it’s all over.
I am alive.
But, only on the outside.
For hope has left.

A Journey through 2009

Despite all rough times, a smashing new year is drawing near. Everyone is gung ho and have their heart set on something or the other. Ever vicinity is in the mood of either tacking together or involving themselves in a New Year bash. They look for lot of panache and elegance in the parties. People want the parties to have a right blend of creativity, hospitality and fun. The ambience all over would be full of beans. This and a lot more is New Year which everybody awaits, each year except me.

Come on, accept it..... New Year is around the corner, this is what I tell myself as another year is slipping by. As and when I think about the New Year, my first reaction is a sense of panic at how fast time flies. The next, a quick calculation of what I managed to achieve in these 365 days - the ups and downs, the euphoria and setbacks. At this juncture, I would like to just travel back to 2009 and recall - the good, the bad and the worst the year got me.

I can call the year 2009 as "God of awful". The year itself started with lot of disputation. But, somewhere I felt I deserve more than that is on my plate and a larger chunk of that pie called life. So I taught to keep my chin up and continue to battle until I can reach at least a piece of my destination. As I started living through this battling life my mind got restless and was in a state of chaos. At a point I felt I may have to get into a lunatic asylum. My mind started disliking and killing every person who tried to show concern towards me, which dismayed me. My uncanny dreams seemed out of this world.

Then sudden bliss.
Strange voices, Strange thoughts, Strange presences.
Who are they? What are they? Whose are they?
It's my mind.
But not my thoughts.
But do I think like this? Are these my thoughts?
Am I this bitter?
This suspicious? This jealous? This discontent?
I taught I loved you like my own.
Then how am I jealous of you?
I taught I loved you more than my life.
Why don't I trust you anymore?
It's not my mind. Not my thoughts.
It's an alien presence invading my mind.
Remove it someone please.

That’s how I felt every time I was in a trauma. This is what I have achieved through out 2009 - unexplained dreams (may be I can write a book on it), lost loved ones, lost career, lost trust on others etc.... Rite now feels "I am a coward who hides my real self”. As someone said I am not afraid of dying, but of an unlived life. So the arrival of 2010 is not making me so happy, it just makes me more horror-struck. Anyways, hope at least it's gonna bring happiness and peace to others and this world. A very happy and prosperous new year. ^_^