Hallucination

The phone punctured my deep dreamless REM slumber at the crack of midnight. I flopped an arm out of the covers, groping for the instrument, 'Hello,’ I croaked.

'Hey dear what are you doing', a very cushy and exuberant vox came out of the instrument. It was one of my friends. I was agitated and said 'I'm making out over here, wanna join me'. He was like LOL and as he was verbalizing, on the spur of the moment, the ambience of my room turned deadening, spine-chilling and atrocious. My room has a huge window which will be shut most of the time. It is covered with beautiful drapes which flow down in a very elegant manner. The curtains started to flap and it was not a dime a dozen. I started to feel bizarre and my attention was hived off to the window. But couldn't incur anything fishy. Later on my heart started to throb. 'Hey dude shall babble stuff tomorrow', I said and hung up. Abruptly one little girl chuted into my room from the huge window, sat behind me and started scratching my neck. Somehow I could feel she was in deep anguish. But I didn't have the courage to swing around and gander at her as I was panic-stricken. But I managed to amass ample amount of courage and asked her, 'Who are you and why you are here?' Her sweet voice was debating with her vocal cord whether to come out or not. As she was stuttering, she said she wanted some help. I was more appalled and asked her to spill the beans.

'I am completely baffled. Donno what's happening with me and why things are happening this way. I feel like killing people whom I love the most. I feel I want more and more pain. For that I don't mind cutting myself and seeing my own blood. It’s better to hurt myself rather than hurting others', she said this and continued scratching my neck. But I felt terribly horrifying and didn't know what to do. I wanted to screech and fleer from there, but I felt crippled. Started to wonder “could I really lend a hand”. I didn't have the guts to ask her what help she wanted. So the whole night I just prayed and wanted to see the sun asap. From that day, I could sense her in my room every time I entered. After few days I agnized that the girl was my inner soul itself, no one else, which was hurt badly and couldn't convey things to anyone else. My room had become the only place where my soul could cry out loudly, laugh, play or do anything it desired. It always craved to be locked in my room and stay away from people. It wanted to be lonely always and loved being that way. I palpated that my inner soul has taken over me and I need to find a way out of it. But I am really still contending for control of myself. It gives me the creeps when I think about my soul being on edge and thinking in such a vicious fashion.

It's all for the best.. yes or no??

Most of my conversations are thus….

“So, let me put it like this: I said I wanna work outside so that I could become independent and learn a lot more… But, I got an answer that “Isn't it great that you can stay with your parents and you don't have to work and I shall get you whatever you desire. I shall choose a great guy who would take care of you the same way I do. ” Now, that's really very sweet of you and thanks for caring so much for me. But the point is… I really wanna be independent. Is that too much to ask for??

Needless to say, it isn't too much to ask for. But I am more experienced and I'm giving you a better life than what you desire. You don't have to contend and get bawled out by others if things go haywire. When will you get independent?? When pigs fly!! But they reckoned wrong. Didn't they?? I just wanted to be a sovereign and know what this world is and find out answers for many questions which I have by myself, and all the big ones in the world cannot make up for the fact that I didn't get the one I really wanted.

Thing's always don't work out exactly as I want them to. And if the intensity of the desire was strong, then even though I may have got much more than I wanted, the craving for that one thing will never really go away. The above was just one example which I quoted but most of the things turn out to be that way. It's not only with me. It happens with most of them, isn't it??

Sometimes it gives me the creeps thinking about what they said may be right coz I am bloody scared of things. So I start feeling let me put up with them to save the day. Coz we have all grown up hearing the adage, jo hota hai achche ke liye hota hai-whatever happens itz for the best. Sometimes I do feel unless I give it a shot I cannot come to ratiocination. Coz I don't want my life to carry on …a series of regrets and what ifs…I also feel why don't I keep my chin up, and I'm sure I will find my way out. Coz I entrust,

To get profit without risk,

Experience without danger,

And reward without hardwork,

Is as impossible as it is to live without being born.

-swami vivekanand

Life is all about how you make it not what others make it for you. I believe there are only two modes to live. Either live for yourself or live for others coz you can't put your leg in both the shoes. If you make yourself happy then I guess you always stand a chance to make others also felicitous. Else you always have to be down in the dumps.

Life has a strange way of falling into a pattern as we move on, creating an interesting mosaic, which though unfathomable from near, assumes greater meaning as we move further away from it. There seems suddenly to have been a reason for whatever happened. Well, the reason was always there, I guess. Suddenly it seems comprehensible to us. So guys whatsoever you adjudicate to do, give your best and don't ever back up, coz no matter which path you choose you cannot reach the destination without any hurdles in your path. I guess these hurdles are also very important coz it makes you a stronger person and ramps up your self-confidence.

My Jungly World

Sometimes I have these vivid fantasies about living in a jungle solely. Everyday I open my tinky minky eyes, stand up and stretch my crunchy prunchy bonz to feel the day. The dewy, breathtaking sight of the rising sun, the twittering of the birds, the lingering smell of the nature, the fresh looking mountains, mud roads flanked by huge trees and small bushes and many more amazing sights. Mornings at the jungle are really the best time; one can enjoy the beauty of the place without any intrusions.

Now lemme introduce my friends in the jungle to you people out there reading this article. Elephant aka elemon is my best buddy with whom I share all my feelings without hiding even a single dam thing. Giraffe which assists me in getting my grub everyday coz without this intellectual nourishment itz not possible to survive. Bear, which is my blanket during the dark and the showery weather. Horse which helps me locomote everywhere I desire to go and explore something new. Rabbits very cute and sweet but fetors, monkeys very naughty; these are my playmates. The singing of the birds makes me wallow in joy. Yeah I forgot to introduce the most significant friend: my rather I can say our steward, the lion, the king of the jungle.

The beauty of a house invariably rests on the way it is seen by the person. I believe beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder .My jungly house is built in a modern style with a tinch of archaic look. It doesn’t have a very grandeur entrance to get frantic as soon as you see. But, it does have a very small lake which takes your breath off seeing it. I don’t need good lightning to make my lake or my outdoor look to have a fine sense of embellishment. The starry sky is ample to give light to my exquisite entrance and lake. Lemme walk you through my house. The luxurious comfort of getting ready at leisure defines how a person feels the rest of the day. So this is my bedroom where I have a small bed where I can roll over whether it is requisite or not. A bed plus a dresser, a music system, my lappy, TV, a book shelf, dolls area, a loo and last but not the least a huge window. Hmmm you can see the awe-inspiring sky during the night and the day, the beautiful greenery, mountains through my window. Next is the treehouse at the backyard. This is an area which I have designed to have small parties, get-togethers etc. This is just a small gist of my house. There is a lot more about my jungly house which I would store it for the later part.

I get up in the morning and finish all my bodily process and start working from home as a developer. I have all the essential tech needed for my work at my jungly house. I am big gizmo freak. That’s why I said earlier that my house is modern coz it has all the technology even tho it is in the jungle (I know itz a bit too much. But that’s how I like dude). During the weekends I hang out with my friends. We go for rock climbing mostly it is mountain climbing, trekking, we watch movies, clean, play, do crazy and naughty things and do a lot more stuff (Friends here I mean the guys whom I have introduced you before).

So guys I guess you relished the ride through the jungly world while reading this article. This is the life I wanna lead once in a lifetime which is gonna be very commoving according to me. Oops, I can’t wait.

About myself

“Hardwork will definitely be rewarded the rest is to believe in yourself”.

I am hardworking, shrewd, forbearing, motivated, trustworthy etc the list goes on this way. But sorry guys I am none of those. I am rather broad minded, vivid, amorous in my own way, fun loving, stubborn, domineering, frigid, possessive, fickle minded, tender, candid, moody, cranky, sluggish and sometimes secretive. I love assaying new stuffs and doing crazy stuff. I am not gonna mention those crazy things as you are gonna throw stones if I do mention. So itz a taboo to mention. I relish music (except metal which I call as mental and hard rock) and watching anime and learning Japanese. The green-eyed monster is the most dangerous part with me. So try and keep jealousy at bay. Oops, I forgot to mention the most important thing. Yeah that is I love sleeping. I always wanna work hard and smart but I dono why I cannot work hard. It always has been only in my dreams to work hard. I desire to be independent, but, dam I’m always dependent.

I have always been dumbfounded about why is it always I lose the people or the things which I love the most. I delight hanging out with friends, travelling and off late being alone. I like walking near the beach on the full moon night and having dinner and gazing the starry sky and the moon with my loved one without any other mortal nearby. I feel there is nothing called as good or bad in this world coz what seems to be good for you may be bad for the other person and vice versa. As per my knowledge there are two kinds of memories namely long term memory and short term memory. In long term memory you need to remember all the sad part also along with the happy parts. Whereas, in short term memory you can just remember the happy parts coz you are gonna end things before you are gonna step into sad terms. So people you decide which is best for you and act accordingly.

‘Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?’
‘That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,’ said the Cat.
‘I don’t much care where-,’said Alice.
‘Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,’ said the Cat.
‘-so long as I get somewhere,’ Alice added as an explanation.
‘Oh, you’re sure to do that,’ said the Cat, if you only walk long enough.’
- Alice in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll

I am also sailing in the same boat as Alice as I don’t know where to go and what to do. But I wanna reach somewhere and do something. These two words have been wandering a lot in my mind off late. Coz of this a lot of questions have aroused like what is reason for my existence? I dam haven’t yet encountered an answer for those questions. How many of you have ever taught about this? (Too philosophical na)

I am not a writer and neither have I ever written before coz I have already mentioned that I am lethargic. This is my first article. I started writing coz lately I was not able to express myself. So I taught jotting it down would help me relieve my pain. Hmmm I guess I have already told a lot about myself. But I still have a lot to say which I would like to reserve it for the later part. Bye for now.