Hallucination

The phone punctured my deep dreamless REM slumber at the crack of midnight. I flopped an arm out of the covers, groping for the instrument, 'Hello,’ I croaked.

'Hey dear what are you doing', a very cushy and exuberant vox came out of the instrument. It was one of my friends. I was agitated and said 'I'm making out over here, wanna join me'. He was like LOL and as he was verbalizing, on the spur of the moment, the ambience of my room turned deadening, spine-chilling and atrocious. My room has a huge window which will be shut most of the time. It is covered with beautiful drapes which flow down in a very elegant manner. The curtains started to flap and it was not a dime a dozen. I started to feel bizarre and my attention was hived off to the window. But couldn't incur anything fishy. Later on my heart started to throb. 'Hey dude shall babble stuff tomorrow', I said and hung up. Abruptly one little girl chuted into my room from the huge window, sat behind me and started scratching my neck. Somehow I could feel she was in deep anguish. But I didn't have the courage to swing around and gander at her as I was panic-stricken. But I managed to amass ample amount of courage and asked her, 'Who are you and why you are here?' Her sweet voice was debating with her vocal cord whether to come out or not. As she was stuttering, she said she wanted some help. I was more appalled and asked her to spill the beans.

'I am completely baffled. Donno what's happening with me and why things are happening this way. I feel like killing people whom I love the most. I feel I want more and more pain. For that I don't mind cutting myself and seeing my own blood. It’s better to hurt myself rather than hurting others', she said this and continued scratching my neck. But I felt terribly horrifying and didn't know what to do. I wanted to screech and fleer from there, but I felt crippled. Started to wonder “could I really lend a hand”. I didn't have the guts to ask her what help she wanted. So the whole night I just prayed and wanted to see the sun asap. From that day, I could sense her in my room every time I entered. After few days I agnized that the girl was my inner soul itself, no one else, which was hurt badly and couldn't convey things to anyone else. My room had become the only place where my soul could cry out loudly, laugh, play or do anything it desired. It always craved to be locked in my room and stay away from people. It wanted to be lonely always and loved being that way. I palpated that my inner soul has taken over me and I need to find a way out of it. But I am really still contending for control of myself. It gives me the creeps when I think about my soul being on edge and thinking in such a vicious fashion.

It's all for the best.. yes or no??

Most of my conversations are thus….

“So, let me put it like this: I said I wanna work outside so that I could become independent and learn a lot more… But, I got an answer that “Isn't it great that you can stay with your parents and you don't have to work and I shall get you whatever you desire. I shall choose a great guy who would take care of you the same way I do. ” Now, that's really very sweet of you and thanks for caring so much for me. But the point is… I really wanna be independent. Is that too much to ask for??

Needless to say, it isn't too much to ask for. But I am more experienced and I'm giving you a better life than what you desire. You don't have to contend and get bawled out by others if things go haywire. When will you get independent?? When pigs fly!! But they reckoned wrong. Didn't they?? I just wanted to be a sovereign and know what this world is and find out answers for many questions which I have by myself, and all the big ones in the world cannot make up for the fact that I didn't get the one I really wanted.

Thing's always don't work out exactly as I want them to. And if the intensity of the desire was strong, then even though I may have got much more than I wanted, the craving for that one thing will never really go away. The above was just one example which I quoted but most of the things turn out to be that way. It's not only with me. It happens with most of them, isn't it??

Sometimes it gives me the creeps thinking about what they said may be right coz I am bloody scared of things. So I start feeling let me put up with them to save the day. Coz we have all grown up hearing the adage, jo hota hai achche ke liye hota hai-whatever happens itz for the best. Sometimes I do feel unless I give it a shot I cannot come to ratiocination. Coz I don't want my life to carry on …a series of regrets and what ifs…I also feel why don't I keep my chin up, and I'm sure I will find my way out. Coz I entrust,

To get profit without risk,

Experience without danger,

And reward without hardwork,

Is as impossible as it is to live without being born.

-swami vivekanand

Life is all about how you make it not what others make it for you. I believe there are only two modes to live. Either live for yourself or live for others coz you can't put your leg in both the shoes. If you make yourself happy then I guess you always stand a chance to make others also felicitous. Else you always have to be down in the dumps.

Life has a strange way of falling into a pattern as we move on, creating an interesting mosaic, which though unfathomable from near, assumes greater meaning as we move further away from it. There seems suddenly to have been a reason for whatever happened. Well, the reason was always there, I guess. Suddenly it seems comprehensible to us. So guys whatsoever you adjudicate to do, give your best and don't ever back up, coz no matter which path you choose you cannot reach the destination without any hurdles in your path. I guess these hurdles are also very important coz it makes you a stronger person and ramps up your self-confidence.